1) What do I do if I meet a werewolf?

Count yourself lucky; you may the only one who has seen one in
the flesh. :) Just in case, we have a handy guide for you:

Howls to the cyberpack! Graham and I were contemplating what a potential victim of a Werewolf might do to escape being a late night snack. Feel free to add any new ideas you might have. Enjoy!

1) throw a stick and shout fetch.
2) HOWL! Confuse the bugger.
3) Don't be there.
4) Be kind and nice to all canines, you should be anyway.
5) Don't be a vampire.
6) Don't be human.
7) Definitely don't be a cat.
8) Throw a Frisbee.
9) Be a Wereskunk.
10) Rub the Werewolf's belly and hope for a leg response.
11) Always carry some fresh meat to distract the beast so you can get away.
12) Give the Werewolf a very large, gravy coated, rawhide, chew toy.
13) Point one direction and say "Look it's Elvis!" and run the opposite way.

Darren

* Respect their territory. :)
* DON'T TELL ANYONE as a) they'll think you're a nutter and/or b) they'll dissect the poor fella...
* Windigowak: Point in the direction of the nearest well-stocked meat locker (it's nice and cool, and there's LOTS of food :).
* Remember who's the boss in the situation. (It ain't you. :)
* Ask them (if they shift to homid form) if lycanthropy is contagious (and if so, would they be so kind as to give you a little nip? :)

2) Top Ten Reasons Why Werewolves Make Good Pets

10. Needs no pet license, walkies, or litter box
9. Sensitive friends unlikely to be allergic to werewolf
8. Werewolf can get outside job and pay part of rent
7. No special bedding required, unlike vampire
6. A good conversation starter at parties
5. Weapons carried by typical burglar ineffective
4. As long as you have neighbors, no need to worry about feeding
3. Easy to fool landlords who have a "no pets" policy
2. If landlord not fooled, werewolf can eat landlord
1. Never lose annual "Biggest Dog in Town" contest again

3) Top Ten Reasons Why Werewolves Make Poor Pets

10.) The mailman is afraid to deliver.
9.) Keeps throwing out your silver jewellery.
8.) The shower drain is ALWAYS clogging with hair.
7.) Uses a whole bottle of conditioner to "de-tangle" after a full moon romp.
6.) Invites the pack over on Friday nights and they drink all your beer.
5.) The 6 month freezer order of meat is always gone in 2 weeks.
4.) Hogs the T.V. to watch nature documentaries.
3.) Howls in his/her sleep.
2.) Always gets blamed when the neighbor's cat disappears.
1.) KEEPS HOGGING THE COMPUTER TO LOG IN TO A.H.W.!!!

WARNING: SOME OF THE WORDS IN THIS LEXICON ARE OF AN ADULT NATURE. IF YOU ARE ONE WHO IS EASILY OFFENDED, PLEASE IGNORE THIS MESSAGE.

4) THE LEXICON

Words from the Spring Thaw Howl

At the recent Spring Thaw Howl, there were a number of words that were introduced into the vocabularies of the folks there. They came from a number of sources, and have even begun to show up in various posts here on Alt.Horror.Werewolves. I was asked by many of the weres who were at the howl to write up this lexicon and post it.

Now, so that there can be a reduced level of confusion . . . here are the words and their meanings. If there are any that I have forgotten, or that were given an improper definition, please e-mail me so that I may correct them.

The format is simple. A pronunciation guide, usage, definition, and an example sentence.

MAD \MAD\ adj: wild, passionate "They were _mad scrumpin_"

MUNG \MUHng - to rhyme with dung\ adj: any material which cannot be identified. Usually a liquid, or semi-liquid. "When we added water to the dried remains of Kat's chili, it became a foul mung."

SCRUMPIN \SCRUMPIN - to rhyme with pumpin\ a.) v: to engage in sexual intercourse. "No one wanted to go near the tent for fear that they would interrupt _mad scrumpin_." b.) An alcoholic beverage often served in England. Often called, "nicking apples" "Mind if I have some scrumpin?"

Scrumpin requires 2 editorial footnotes. It's most common usage is using the adjective mad, simply because sex is frequently impassioned, and therefore often mad -- it is almost never seen without mad, in fact.

I was recently introduced to a usage of the word that I was unfamiliar with, namely b.) and therefore it caused a moment of confusion. On IRC one evening, one of the participants was offering "Scrumpin" to anyone who wanted it. Several of the folks on the channel cheerily accepted it. I was appalled. Scrumpin in public? I stated as much, and was soon informed that Scrumpin is an alcholic drink, often served in England. The slang for it there is, "nicking apples." Needless to say, that confusion was quickly cleared up. The use of mad to describe a.) is a good indicator of which the writer means.

SPOOGE \SPOOJ\ a.) n.: upchuck, vomit, hurl, the technicolor yawn, selling Buicks to Ralph. "I'm gonna spooge!" b.) slang. to ejaculate. "I'm gonna spooge!" Another editorial note here. Spooge is NOT a romantic word. In it's b.) incarnation it is VERY unromantic, and generally reserved for use in the locker room.

TWEE \TWEE -- to rhyme with gee\ adj: _irish slang_ feminine, delicate. "You are a twee little bastard!"

The final editorial note is reserved for this word. It is VERY unkind to call a male twee unless you REALLY mean it. Even if someone has NO clue what the word means . . . it SOUNDS feminine. It is one of the few words that one can figure out the meaning PURELY from it's sound.

Well, there they are. I hope they provided some enlightenment.

I'm certain that future howls and special events will add to this list, and when they do, your faithful lexiconographer will be there to compile them.

Cheers,
Gary (Werebear @ IRC)